I’ve always been one to
hold back. I can be outgoing and gregarious but if I feel any competition, I
will step back. Feelings of inferiority
have kept me from actively persuing friendships with the ‘popular’ people. What if they won’t like me? What if I won’t fit into their world: their
jokes and slang?
So I hold back. I don’t
even allow my heart to think about being friends with ‘those people’. If I don’t think about it, then rejection
doesn’t hurt. It’s always worked well because
life is full of other people to befriend, fun things to do, and ways to serve
God.
If I were to relate myself
to a character in the New Testament, as far as the way I approach Jesus, I
think it would be more the woman at the well than the man with leprosy who
cried out to Jesus to heal him. For,
the woman at the well let Jesus approach her first.
I would be Martha who chose
to serve Jesus, rather than Mary, who sat at His feet. For, what if He didn’t
want me there? What if He found me
annoying?
I would be Zacchaeus who
wanted so badly to see Jesus that he climbed a tree to make sure he could see
above the crowd. Yes, he was short, but he could have fought his way through
the crowd. He didn’t. He just watched.
For each of these people
who held back, Jesus approached first.
He never left anyone on the sidelines.
I wonder if I hold back
from Jesus at times? My head knows He loves me unconditionally, but is my heart
willing to be vulnerable?
I don’t deal well with
emotion and vulnerability. It’s easier
to stay focused on God, others, fun, anything but my feelings. Yet, I have been
overwhelmed by feelings lately. I seem to move past one heart matter to
another.
Is it my new
medication? Is it age? Or is it God
dealing with me, molding me into who He wants me to be?
I think I have held back
from Jesus. In not letting myself feel
deep heart emotion, I’m not letting Him work to make my heart a heart after
His. He already knows anyway what I feel inside. He knows when I’m lonely, hurt
or confused. So, why do I hold back telling Him?
Maybe it’s time I start
opening up and really telling God how I feel.
He can heal me even if I don’t tell Him about it, but why not have the
‘conversation’?
I sympathise with you x
ReplyDeleteShanda, I HEAR you again!!! Sometimes I just want to kick myself for not being more forth right with my feelings to the Lord. I know He already knows, but He still cares to hear it out. Good word for the day. I love that just because we don't want to 'play in the game' because of our insecurity He still doesn't leave us out, He still makes us apart. Wow, good thinkin' AGAIN Shanda.
ReplyDeleteI hear your heart.
ReplyDeleteHi Shanda, what I loved about this post is you pointed out the woman at the well, Martha and Zaccheus as the ones who didn't push and shove to get to Jesus. Jesus went to them. He meets us where we are! Blessings! Patsy from
ReplyDeleteHeARTworks
I think I understand how you feel in many ways. I know that in Hospice work and also in our Inner City Mission I find myself at times putting a wall up so I don't feel as much the pain of others. I do know that I can kneel or pray at anytime and have a convesation with my Heavenly Father and I know that The Savior is there for me also. I do know that they know me and the challenges that I need to help me grow closer to them. I can open up because I know they already know what I need.
ReplyDeleteI loved your post today and as I said I can relate to this one.
Blessings to you! You are such a great follower of Christ.
i think when we are at our most honest with how we are feeling it is the most beautiful in most relationships...esp with god...and no matter what those feelings he is def ready to meet us there...
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your feelings. I think that is what David did in a lot of the Psalms!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. I need to talk to God more... not ask for stuff... but actually talk.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you! Thank you for sharing and lets me know I am not alone in my feelings. I am always blessed by your words.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true for me, and I know others that hold back as well. The enemy can fill our heads full of lies, but its our relationship with the Lord that can put us out there with confidence and love. We have to allow him to work in us!!
ReplyDeleteI have to remind myself that God knows me (better than I know myself), and I might as well be honest with Him. But complete honesty is difficult because it reveals a side of me that I don't like to admit is there--even to myself. Does that make any sense?
ReplyDeleteHave a blessed weekend, Shanda
Shanda,
ReplyDeleteI have similiar thoughts. Maybe tck stuff, eh?
oh shanda. i wish i didn't feel quite so much... i depend TOO much on my heart, sometimes. God lets all of us have these weaknesses so we can need him, so he can fill in the empty spots. may you be strengthened as you lean into him this summer.
ReplyDeleteHi, Shanda. I wonder if some of your feelings are part of being a third culture kid. While I wasn't a missionary kid, I grew up living 21 places before 7th grade, often not fitting into my new environments. My sister's personality thrived on all the new social challenges and I withdrew from them. I'm so glad God gave me that kind of childhood because I think it made me stronger and more flexible (and prepared me for my husband's military career and our Christian work overseas). But it also brought challenges other kids didn't have. I also worry about being liked, worry about offending people, worry about saying something stupid way more than I should. It's a part of me that God must continually redeem. I like your post because you're honest and you don't offer pat answers or formulas. I think we Christians need to realize that because of the fall we are all broken to one degree or another and we won't be completely whole until we see Jesus face to face. Thanks for linking up to B&BB. I pray you have a blessed week.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful honest and deep posting. Thank you for sharing from deep inside of you. Your words encourage us all to search our own hearts properly and see what we are lacking or what we are rejoicing. Bless you.
ReplyDeleteShanda, I love your honesty. Your words cause me to look inside myself. I find it all too easy to stuff my feelings at times. That way I don't have to feel sad, lonely or angry. But I do believe we need to be honest, especially with God. After all, He knows all that's going on inside me. And only He can heal the hurts and help me to be all He's called me to be.
ReplyDeleteThank you for giving me something to think about.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
Thank you. I feel like you're talking about me. Many blessings to you.
ReplyDelete~Carley