I’ve always been one to hold back. I can be outgoing and gregarious but if I feel any competition, I will step back. Feelings of inferiority have kept me from actively persuing friendships with the ‘popular’ people. What if they won’t like me? What if I won’t fit into their world: their jokes and slang?
So I hold back. I don’t even allow my heart to think about being friends with ‘those people’. If I don’t think about it, then rejection doesn’t hurt. It’s always worked well because life is full of other people to befriend, fun things to do, and ways to serve God.
If I were to relate myself to a character in the New Testament, as far as the way I approach Jesus, I think it would be more the woman at the well than the man with leprosy who cried out to Jesus to heal him. For, the woman at the well let Jesus approach her first.
I would be Martha who chose to serve Jesus, rather than Mary, who sat at His feet. For, what if He didn’t want me there? What if He found me annoying?
I would be Zacchaeus who wanted so badly to see Jesus that he climbed a tree to make sure he could see above the crowd. Yes, he was short, but he could have fought his way through the crowd. He didn’t. He just watched.
For each of these people who held back, Jesus approached first. He never left anyone on the sidelines.
I wonder if I hold back from Jesus at times? My head knows He loves me unconditionally, but is my heart willing to be vulnerable?
I don’t deal well with emotion and vulnerability. It’s easier to stay focused on God, others, fun, anything but my feelings. Yet, I have been overwhelmed by feelings lately. I seem to move past one heart matter to another.
Is it my new medication? Is it age? Or is it God dealing with me, molding me into who He wants me to be?
I think I have held back from Jesus. In not letting myself feel deep heart emotion, I’m not letting Him work to make my heart a heart after His. He already knows anyway what I feel inside. He knows when I’m lonely, hurt or confused. So, why do I hold back telling Him?
Maybe it’s time I start opening up and really telling God how I feel. He can heal me even if I don’t tell Him about it, but why not have the ‘conversation’?