I am thirteen and leaving after one year making friends and loving life in the United States. My heart is breaking. All my friends are at the airport in Johnson City, Tennessee and I cry and hug and cry and hug and I don’t think my heart will make it. Every time I wipe my eyes there is black Madeline mascara smudged over the sides of my hands. My eyes are black, like a raccoon. But I can’t help it. I don’t care.
I make a conscious decision: I will never make friends again. I don’t want to hurt this way to say.
Life continues to bring too many good byes.
I am 16 and my first love has graduated and is leaving Zambia to attend college in OK. Once again my eyes are black and the tears won’t stop. I can’t do this. I go home and cry myself to sleep for many nights to come.
This time is for real: I won’t let anyone this close again. Good-byes are too hard.
My parents leave me in college and return to Africa. I feel the pain again. It is the old days where you walk your loved one to the gate and watch the plane take off. Each hundred feet away is like blood dripping from an open wound in my heart.
Now? It doesn’t hurt like it used too. Good byes aren’t as hard. I taught myself not to feel so hard, not to let anyone get that deep in my heart.
When a wound heals it forms a scar that is tougher than the original tissue.
I’ve moved dozens of times since then. It is easier now.
Five Minutes on the word Good-bye. No editing. We link with Lisa Jo at The Gypsy Mama. Why not write for five minutes flat on the word Good-bye and join us???
Ohhhh . . . I hear your pain . . . and yet, the good-byes on this side of heaven ARE hard. Don't lose your tender heart. I too said at one time I'd not make another friend because of pain, and God plopped some girl in my life I never imagined would become a good friend. :) Don't miss out on opportunities to love!
ReplyDeleteI wondered, too, is that good? I know pain from good-byes, and I know pain from not loving deeply or allowing to be loved. Neither is easy, but I have found healing in loving, even if it means opening an old wound and allowing the Great Physician to do the work.
ReplyDeleteAnd this, I can only do because of His grace... I pray your find His answer for you.
Without that pain, you don't truly appreciate your happiness. There was one time when I thought I was being too emotional so I shut down. Didn't cry anymore. This lasted for a couple days I think. I didn't cry. At first, it was hard when I was upset...then easier, and easier, and easier. But I also lost the desire to laugh. I was just a shell. At the end, I made myself break down because I was scared that I would never feel anything again. Pain reminds us that we are alive. It also reminds us that God can give us a world free of pain...He will create it anew, wash everything away.
ReplyDeleteblessings.
Wonderful post.
Is it a good thing?....such an interesting thought. We have moved many times and there are hurts from the past that left scars. Moving on and choosing to trust, to love after so many painful goodbyes is difficult, but so necessary.
ReplyDeleteLove your honesty. Thanks for sharing a thought I am sure to think about all day.
It is so hard to be parted from your family and friends. Yet it is also a part of life that we all go through at sometime or another. Grief sets in and you exist until gradually you pick up the pieces and move on.You never ever really forget those hurtful times.. I cannot imagine what it would have been like for the Jews during WW11, so terrible and so hard. Our natures are carved from our experiences, and we learn humility and compassion for others because of suffering ourselves. God Bless and keep you. xx
ReplyDeleteShanda...Your Goodbye griped me. I felt the pain! SOOOOO, I joined the challenge, wrote on my blog, and ended up crying! Great~~~~~~now I re-feel my own pain~ LOL ♥♥♥
ReplyDeleteWhat powerful writing.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's a good thing, because to deny our pain, is to deny a part of our reality.
Thank you for sharing this
powerful ~ i live this life now. it hurts worse than i could have ever imagined before having been there, done that...
ReplyDeleteeven harder: i watch my children live this life now; their hurt hurts me so much worse than my own.
but i don't think it is a good thing - i'm never going to be able to protect my percious ones from hurt and suffering. i can only hope to model and teach them where to run with that pain. i want them to live their life experiencing fully...
and we try to focus on the truth that every heartbreaking goodbye can lead to an amazing, beautiful hello...
thanks for you transparency!
Shanda...Johnson City?? I lived my high school years in kingsport...we were practically neighbors:) wow...moving so much would make one want to protect the heart...I have not moved...but have had some painful good-byes...may we both not let the scar tissue keep us from living open to receive...even when we don't know how long it will last. blessings to you~
ReplyDeleteI have moved so few times that I really can't comprehend. Our force move, when we lost our house, was the hardest and I still am healing from that...other than that I lived in one city for 38 years and another for 14
ReplyDeleteI think being able to move makes it easier for God to move us where He wants us...and for you, He has taken you around the world and through that you have seen more than most of us will ever experience...even though it was hard
Wow. This really struck me. How many times have I tried to insulate myself from the pain and ended up missing out on the good feelings too?
ReplyDeleteThere is something about being close to another person that is worth the risk. I'm trying to convince myself of that.
Excellent writing!
That was my life as a military wife. After years of moving around, it just becomes so natural to put up those walls because you know you will soon have to say good-bye yet again. I was blessed when I"d let the walls fall and find new friends. But it was hard!! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWe'll all be together one day. That is our hope.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up we never stayed anywhere more than a year or two. I learned how to make friends easily, but I have also been programmed to disconnect easily. I have one friend that has stuck with me move after move, near or far, for the last 20 years, and that has been a great blessing. But like Janette said before me, I think that growing up this way makes it easier to go when God says GO.
ReplyDeleteHardening of ourselves to protect ourselves I don't think is a very good thing. It is a natural response to pain though. I think we need to pray and trust that God will guide us and give us peace in troubled times. -Nicole at Working Kansas Homemaker
ReplyDeleteDid you write this? Is it a true story? So sad...
ReplyDeleteOh, friend. You know the answer to that question. Good-byes are often followed by grief but then acceptance. We "pause on the path" for just a moment, take a deep breath in and step in faith for the next part of the journey.
ReplyDeleteOh, Shanda, this makes me want to hug your neck! So proud of you for asking that question: Is that a good thing?
ReplyDeleteThe hard good-byes are just that. The good, good-byes. For they've proven you've invested something in what matters most: people. Love. still....it never gets easier. leaving a bit of yourself...
beautiful write! thanks for making me ponder.
What a precious post!!! Would you believe that we're only about an hour and a half from Johnson City?!?! The company I used to work for has an office there!! Small, small world!!!
ReplyDeleteI've moved many times, too. In my teen years and then over and over after marriage. It does hurt less now. But that isn't because I don't allow myself to bond, and it isn't that I don't still hate the goodbyes. They hurt a little less now because I know that when I get to where ever we are going...there will be a Hello. My kids have latched onto that as well, and they are quick to point out that if they hadn't left "A" to go to "B", they wouldn't know the wonderful people in "B". And if they hadn't left "B" to go to "C", then they wouldn't know the people in "C".
ReplyDeleteThis was a powerful topic today wasn't it?! I've not moved between continents but I have moved through many states. At one point as a teenager we calculated the average of our moves, every eighteen months! I've learned that just like everything else in life God has a message for us if we'll lean in close and hear what he's saying. Goodbyes are hard and I think they are supposed to be. The pain of separation reminds us we weren't made to be separate but united. There's power and healing in recognizing God's plan to restore all things to their rightful state in eternity. I'm thankful he comforts and sustains us here in the meantime!
ReplyDeleteIt took me years to let the pain of goodbye in ... it was actually better then for me. At one point in my life, goodbyes and the pain of them became a stronghold in my life. Now I can say goodbye and cry well and move on.
ReplyDeleteReally important part of a tck life.
You brought back some memories here, for sure.
This was so powerful. Is this what flash fiction is? Or a flash memoir? I've heard these terms lately. Regardless, this was moving and touching, and beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteShanda, this makes me so sad....it's amazing how these things cut so deep to our souls that it affects our every day future. The things that shape us, my oh my....
ReplyDeleteyou have a wonderful way with words. great post!
ReplyDeleteWow, very powerful, bless you dear.
ReplyDeleteYes, good byes are hard. Very touching blog.
ReplyDeleteI can totally related. Grew up as a missionary kid and I vowed after moving a couple of times to never make friends again...thanks for sharing!! Saying hi from Mom Blog Monday
ReplyDeleteWhat a post!! I love the question, "Is that a good thing?" Some things in life we must get used to in order to survive, but it's so important to keep and balance and not become desensitized! I'm so glad you've "hardened" yourself and continued to love!
ReplyDelete